Infirmative Action

They keep telling us that race isn't gonna matter as much in this campaign. But they keep feeling the need to tell us. Meanwhile, I hear people on NPR, like the lifelong Democrat who won't vote for Obama because "he's going to put them first, and not us," and I'm ashamed of this country.

This race is the Democrats' to lose at this point. McCain has his ugly 25% and some idealogues who just won't ever leave the Republican fold. And he has his racists, the ones yelling epithets at the rallies. But those people can't give him the presidency.

The only people now who can hand the reins of this country over to Grandpa McCain and his batshit snake-handling VP are the -- what are we calling them this week? "Rural middle-class voters"? "Reagan Democrats." "Joe Sixpack." What we're talking about, of course, are the white people out here in flyoverland. Union guys, housewives, relatively insular small-town people who know in their hearts that a McCain administration is going to continue the slow, corrosive decay of their way of life, but who -- when they get in that booth and it's just them and their conscience -- can't pull the switch for a black guy.

Well, let me shoot a little straight talk your way, my fellow Ohioans, my fellow small-town progeny, my fellow lowbrow domestic-beer-drinking, video-game-playing yokels.

Keep your little-dick ooga-booga darkie paranoia bullshit offa my country, will you?

We don't have time for this shit.

If you're so opposed to an "affirmative action" president, as a few right-wing dimbulbs have posited, why are you going to vote for a guy solely because of his race? Can you really sleep at night, Mr. and Mrs. Edwards-to-Hillary-to-I-was-never-voting-party-anyway?

Don't be a dick. Don't let this year, your year, go down in the history books as proof that we still weren't ready yet to acknowledge a good portion of the human race as worthy of the title. Vote for the guy who you agree with. Close your eyes if you have to. And if you won't do it to save your own soul from the muck of the past, do it for my kids, will you? I don't feel like explaining to them that the grown-ups could willingly, deliberately, get it so wrong.

What the fuck's wrong with Cindy McCain?

Besides the obvious fact, of course, that the trophy racehorse she put her money on thirty years ago has turned out to be a bad bet in the home stretch.

After she and John get called out on dishonest campaign ads on "The View," she warbles that "they picked our bones clean."

(That's not the most pretty image to call up when you look like a mannequin that's been left out in the sun too long, incidentally.)

In the midst of resurrecting the long-shelved Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright and secret-Muslim bogeymen, Cindy tells a crowd that Barack Obama has run the "dirtiest campaign in history."

You can't blame her entirely, of course. Has anyone ever picked on her, like, ever? She developed a pill habit over the third-hand splashback of the Keating Five affair -- this is not a woman made for the rigors of the campaign trail.

We all saw John's contemptuous dodge of Obama's handshake after Tuesday's debate, and his deflection to Cindy, who was forced to touch "That One." Given her penchant for hysterical exaggeration, I look forward to hearing "Barack Obama raped me" by the weekend.

Michelle Obama, on the Daily Show tonight, blew off the whole "That One" fiasco and described Cindy as "cordial," claiming they'd already greeted each other backstage. She was cool, diplomatic, polite, and gracious. Can you imagine Cindy McCain, were she to deign to perch her bony ass on Jon Stewart's chair, showing that kind of poise? Hell, Michelle looks more presidential than John these days.

And Cindy's looking... well... a little brittle. It's too bad she doesn't still have unfettered access to Keating's private jet to the Bahamas, because that's one desperate housewife who's gonna need a little rehab R & R when John's done losing this thing.

Stark Raving Mad-Libs

You know, with all that suspending they did to save the American economy single-handedly, the McCain campaign is probably in a tizzy right now, trying to get itself back up and running. I mean, since it obviously shut down so effectively while John McCain battled the evil Wall Street henchmen on our behalf.

So let's save 'em some work this week. I present to the McCain campaign, gratis, this pre-assembled press release for Friday morning. Sets of words in parentheses can be crossed out or circled as needed. My friends, enjoy, and God bless America.





"The (McCain/Palin, Palin/McCain) campaign was (astonished, saddened, outraged, astonished but not surprised) at the (typical liberal, overtly sexist, politics-as-usual) tactics employed by (Joe Biden, Gwen Ifill, Willie Horton) at last night's (vice-presidential, second-dude-or-chick-o-rama) debate. While we've come to expect (underhanded, overly professorial, vaguely-sinister-in-a-jive-talkin'-way) fare from the Obama campaign, last night's (gotcha question count, horrifically sexist aura, refusal to let Sarah win) (was beyond the pale for, is not what the American people expect from, slapped the black right offa) a campaign that prides itself on (change, free Tootsie-Pop vouchers for pedophiles, a cabinet made up entirely of homeless former Black Panthers).

"John McCain didn't (spend five years under the Viet Cong boot, marry a rich trophy wife to facilitate his political career, beat up a hotel maid this morning in impotent rage) just so the Obama-Biden Democrats could (mount a vicious smear campaign, divert faith-based abstinence funds to buy French ticklers for the middle-school-aged children of Eastern elites, talk about the issues for once). Obviously, Gov. Palin's (observant, wide-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights) demeanor and (incisive, index-card-o-riffic, WTF-inducing) answers to Gwen Ifill's (obviously biased, liberally tainted, subtly moose-ist) debate questions place her firmly as the winner of (the debate, the Wasilla potluck chili cookoff, the exclusive favor of the One True Lord). Joe Biden should, frankly, be ashamed of himself for (answering any questions, totally checking Sarah's ass out during that one cutaway, proclaiming that William McKinley first blogged about Alaska in 1912).

"While the (liberally-biased, Satan-fueled numerological fib-based) polls may show Biden winning this (debate, disaster, Hiroshima of public speaking) by a (hilarious, soul-destroying, nearly incalculable) margin, the American people know (what time it is, a good five-cent cigar, that when we start speaking for them we're about to unload the high-grade bullshit). John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate from the bottom of his (heart, blackest inner POW memories, colostomy bag), and together they will (go to, embark on a Holy Crusade to, descend like a plague of rancid locusts upon) Washington to (drive out, have a cookout with, fellate) the lobbyists and power-brokers who (know their day is nigh, have worked so hard on our campaign, rule).

"The American People (know, have heard a million times now, are about sick to death of hearing that) John McCain will bring real (change, war stories, Werther's Candies) for all of America. Barack Obama should (resign from the race, admit he's really a Muslim, give some thought to that wife-swap thing John proposed through the grapevine last week) if he really cares about (America, white people in small towns who don't know enough to quit being racist but enough not to cop to it when CNN's in town, John McCain's obsessive ambitions as much as John McCain does). There's only one Real Maverick who's (spent a lifetime serving his country, turned his back on every principle he stood for eight years ago, could erupt into a festering cancer blister at any moment), and that's our (next President, next William Henry Harrison, man who'll go down in infamy for giving the Antichrist-in-Peggy-Hill-specs some traction), John McCain.

"I'm (John McCain, refraining from strangling you with the barest force of will, tired and confused) and I approve this message."

The strange, random breakdown of the Republican Party

Thirteen hours before it's scheduled to begin, America still doesn't know if John McCain is even going to show up for the first scheduled debate between himself and Barack Obama.

McCain suspended his presidential campaign to single-handedly fly back to Washington and save the financial bailout he'd just finished telling us we had to accept, as bitter a pill as it is... and then he riled up the House Republicans into scuttling the deal at the eleventh hour when they had, as an alternative, a hastily-compiled one-page list of bullet points.

Even conservative pundits like Ed Rollins, who was thirstily gulping the Palin Kool-Aid after the RNC convention, now say on-air that the choice was weird and desperate, and at best, bought McCain a little free air time and post-convention bounce, with no thought given to how she'd survive the rest of the campaign, much less actually do the job of vice-president.

It's astonishing that the failure of Washington Mutual -- the biggest bank failure in history -- is practically page-two news today, crowded out of the headlines by the spectacle of an entire political party collectively shitting its pants and finger-painting the walls with it.

Since I'm rooting for the other guy, you'd think this willful self-destruction would make me giddy, but I'm a little bit frightened about how this is all gonna pan out. McCain and his fired up cadre of House Republicans are lashing out so blindly, at their own party and president as much as their "enemies," that it's borderline psychotic. It's as if they're saying "if we can't have the country, and implement our unfettered free-market mania even after all this, then no one can."

Are they really this willing to let the entire economy seize up like an engine with no oil? To score points back home? I thought the blame was going to be shouldered equally, by all these lawmakers who knew this would be a bitter pill for their constituents, but also knew this had to be done to prevent the immediate, short-term destruction of large sections of the economy.

I'm watching all of this unfold through a vicodin haze -- I'm getting a root canal this morning -- but I don't think I need drugs for it to be completely unreal. Maybe I've read too many apocalypse novels, but I can't help but feel like these are the days we'll be describing to our children when they ask us where we were when it all started to unravel.

Some heads aren't gonna roll

Okay, guys. You can have our trillion dollars. Bail out the financial system. Pay for the mistakes of unregulated cocksuckers who didn't even know what they were selling, just chasing paper. We'll pony up the bill.

But we want something too. And I'm not just talking the chance to bask in the glow of your sublime crisis management skills.

I want trials. I want fat old white guys in suits sobbing on the witness stand. I want pretty teenaged sons and daughters of privilege yanked out of prep schools. I want Botoxed cougars out on their asses, breaking nails to pack boxes as they're tossed out of their McMansions.

You want "unprecedented" moves? How about we unceremoniously yank all that severance money out from under the heads of AIG, Bear Sterns, Lehman Brothers, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Freeze their assets, turn their houses into VA rehabilitation centers, and put them out in the California sun picking oranges for nine bucks an hour. Is that too extreme? It's not a trillion dollars' worth of extreme.

Anyone who had a position of authority in the financial sector during this crisis should be stripped of all rights to be so much as an assistant bank teller for the rest of their lives. There should be a cap on their personal income, and it should be the poverty line -- anything else they make goes immediately into the U.S. treasury. Monitor their emails and phone calls shamelessly, and forbid them to travel outside of the country for life.

Fuck them. Fucking fuck them. They certainly didn't mind fucking everyone else.

Shut up, you damned idiot.

From CNN, at Sarah Palin's laughable town hall appearance:


Asked for "specific skills" she could cite to rebut critics who question her grasp of international affairs, she replied, "I am prepared."

"I have that confidence. I have that readiness," Palin said. "And if you want specifics with specific policies or countries, you can go ahead and ask me. You can play 'stump the candidate' if you want to. But we are ready to serve."



In other words... nothing. She's got nothing. Nothing, that is, except the fatal hubris that comes from being sure God Almighty is on your side, and that he'll wipe your ass and send you on your way to Heaven no matter how colossally you fuck up the world for everyone else, because... well, just because, dammit. I mean, look at ya! What Supreme Being wouldn't back your every ill-informed charge up the hill?

Sarah Palin is an embarrassment, and John McCain is a dishonorable dick. They could actually make things worse than Bush 43. How is that even possible?

And now, a word from the man

This is the text of Barack Obama's latest, two-minute campaign ad.

I know this stuff is all focus-grouped and ultra-processed. I know that. But when Obama gets on message, like he does here, I feel like the Grinch when his heart starts swelling back to normal size. I start feeling like there's a chance we could at least try to make things work better for more people.

I was born in 1972 so I don't know a world before Watergate. Everything I've consumed in my entire life has been laced with cynicism like fluoride in the water supply. But it seems to me that if we're given our best, and possibly last, chance to bring some compassion, integrity, and dignity to the highest office in our land, we'd be monkeys if we didn't give it a shot.

I'll shut up now.

Barack Obama:

"In the past few weeks, Wall Street's been rocked as banks closed and markets tumbled. But for many of you -- the people I've met in town halls, backyards and diners across America -- our troubled economy isn't news. 600,000 Americans have lost their jobs since January. Paychecks are flat and home values are falling. It's hard to pay for gas and groceries and if you put it on a credit card they've probably raised your rates. You're paying more than ever for health insurance that covers less and less.

"This isn't just a string of bad luck. The truth is that while you've been living up to your responsibilities, Washington has not. That's why we need change. Real change. This is no ordinary time and it shouldn't be an ordinary election. But much of this campaign has been consumed by petty attacks and distractions that have nothing to do with you or how we get America back on track.

"Here's what I believe we need to do. Reform our tax system to give a $1,000 tax break to the middle class instead of showering more on oil companies and corporations that outsource our jobs. End the "anything goes" culture on Wall Street with real regulation that protects your investments and pensions. Fast track a plan for energy 'made-in-America' that will free us from our dependence on mid-east oil in 10 years and put millions of Americans to work. Crack down on lobbyists - once and for all -- so their back-room deal-making no longer drowns out the voices of the middle class and undermines our common interests as Americans. And yes, bring a responsible end to this war in Iraq so we stop spending billions each month rebuilding their country when we should be rebuilding ours.

"Doing these things won't be easy. But we're Americans. We've met tough challenges before. And we can again. I'm Barack Obama. I hope you'll read my economic plan. I approved this message because bitter, partisan fights and outworn ideas of the left and the right won't solve the problems we face today. But a new spirit of unity and shared responsibility will."