You know, with all that suspending they did to save the American economy single-handedly, the McCain campaign is probably in a tizzy right now, trying to get itself back up and running. I mean, since it obviously shut down so effectively while John McCain battled the evil Wall Street henchmen on our behalf.
So let's save 'em some work this week. I present to the McCain campaign, gratis, this pre-assembled press release for Friday morning. Sets of words in parentheses can be crossed out or circled as needed. My friends, enjoy, and God bless America.
"The (McCain/Palin, Palin/McCain) campaign was (astonished, saddened, outraged, astonished but not surprised) at the (typical liberal, overtly sexist, politics-as-usual) tactics employed by (Joe Biden, Gwen Ifill, Willie Horton) at last night's (vice-presidential, second-dude-or-chick-o-rama) debate. While we've come to expect (underhanded, overly professorial, vaguely-sinister-in-a-jive-talkin'-way) fare from the Obama campaign, last night's (gotcha question count, horrifically sexist aura, refusal to let Sarah win) (was beyond the pale for, is not what the American people expect from, slapped the black right offa) a campaign that prides itself on (change, free Tootsie-Pop vouchers for pedophiles, a cabinet made up entirely of homeless former Black Panthers).
"John McCain didn't (spend five years under the Viet Cong boot, marry a rich trophy wife to facilitate his political career, beat up a hotel maid this morning in impotent rage) just so the Obama-Biden Democrats could (mount a vicious smear campaign, divert faith-based abstinence funds to buy French ticklers for the middle-school-aged children of Eastern elites, talk about the issues for once). Obviously, Gov. Palin's (observant, wide-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights) demeanor and (incisive, index-card-o-riffic, WTF-inducing) answers to Gwen Ifill's (obviously biased, liberally tainted, subtly moose-ist) debate questions place her firmly as the winner of (the debate, the Wasilla potluck chili cookoff, the exclusive favor of the One True Lord). Joe Biden should, frankly, be ashamed of himself for (answering any questions, totally checking Sarah's ass out during that one cutaway, proclaiming that William McKinley first blogged about Alaska in 1912).
"While the (liberally-biased, Satan-fueled numerological fib-based) polls may show Biden winning this (debate, disaster, Hiroshima of public speaking) by a (hilarious, soul-destroying, nearly incalculable) margin, the American people know (what time it is, a good five-cent cigar, that when we start speaking for them we're about to unload the high-grade bullshit). John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate from the bottom of his (heart, blackest inner POW memories, colostomy bag), and together they will (go to, embark on a Holy Crusade to, descend like a plague of rancid locusts upon) Washington to (drive out, have a cookout with, fellate) the lobbyists and power-brokers who (know their day is nigh, have worked so hard on our campaign, rule).
"The American People (know, have heard a million times now, are about sick to death of hearing that) John McCain will bring real (change, war stories, Werther's Candies) for all of America. Barack Obama should (resign from the race, admit he's really a Muslim, give some thought to that wife-swap thing John proposed through the grapevine last week) if he really cares about (America, white people in small towns who don't know enough to quit being racist but enough not to cop to it when CNN's in town, John McCain's obsessive ambitions as much as John McCain does). There's only one Real Maverick who's (spent a lifetime serving his country, turned his back on every principle he stood for eight years ago, could erupt into a festering cancer blister at any moment), and that's our (next President, next William Henry Harrison, man who'll go down in infamy for giving the Antichrist-in-Peggy-Hill-specs some traction), John McCain.
"I'm (John McCain, refraining from strangling you with the barest force of will, tired and confused) and I approve this message."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment