McCain Flakes

Imagine, if you will, that some wag was selling boxes of corn flakes this political season, done up as "McCain Flakes."

Picture the box. Emblazoned on the front, under the name (preferably either in the style of the Corn Flakes logo, or in military stencil) is a caricature of a doddering old man, one jowl noticeably swollen. A combat helmet sits askew on his head. He drools onto his medal-laden chest, clutching a room key for the "Hanoi Hilton," and he leans on a walker. Next to him, a large bowl of cereal, shaped like little elephants. Beside that, a little text explosion: "save ten boxtops for your free 'Songbird' VC informant decoder ring!" In the top right corner, an equally offensive caricature of Cindy McCain, rail-thin, spookily-sculpted, and adorned in obviously lavish fashions. Below her, the slogan: "fortified with Xanax... for a woman's needs."

Even if this was the work of one dreadlocked, freedom-hating, ultra-left graphic designer chained to a redwood with his Powerbook, you know damn well what would be happening on cable news right now. Every commentator to the right of Abbie Hoffman would be gibbering like a howler monkey, screaming that Obama himself was a scumbag for not hunting this jerk down and kicking him in the balls for America. It would be trotted out as an example of the "hatred of the liberal left for our institutions and our heroes." It would be the biggest calamity to face the Republic since, I dunno, the whole lapel-pin thing very nearly caused us all to start wearing fur hats and speaking Commie.

You know this would be the reaction. The O'Reillys and Hannitys would smell blood in the water and their righteous outrage would knock all those soaking-wet Ike holdouts onto page three.

If you don't know where I'm going with this, take a quick gander at http://www.obamawaffles.com/ -- absorb the third-rate caricature of an eye-rolling Obama who obviously wants him some o' dem waffles! Note the small picture of Obama in a headscarf on top of the box, with the instructions that you should "point toward Mecca" for best results. Larf along as you notice the equally-offensive caricature of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright on the "missing" panel on the side of the box. And guffaw along with the nail-'em-to-the-wall closing bullet point... "Before long you, too, will be saying with Barack Obama, 'Can’t I just eat my waffles?'"

HA HA HA HA!!! Get it?! GET IT?!?! Neither do I. Must be a red-syrup thing, and I tend toward the blueberry.

Anyway, Obama Waffles are fucking stupid. It's fodder, literally and figuratively, for the same crowd of cretinous lowbrows who think Hillary Clinton nut-crackers are a) funny, and b) an actual political statement other than "I'm scared of girls." I have no doubt these savvy dickheads will make a mint off every Chut and Biffy we saw anemically clapping at the RNC convention, who think jokes about community organizers are funny and that Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney have every right to crack wise about "eastern elites."

But here's the thing. Democratic commentators aren't going to insist that the news cycle grind to a halt for 24 hours so we can wail and gnash our teeth over Obama Waffles. They're not going to demand McCain withdraw from the race in protest of this anti-American insult to all that is holy. If it's mentioned at all, it'll be with a dismissive roll of the eyes (as opposed to the all-the-way-'round I sho' wants me sum waffulz! roll) and a shake of the head. It'll be put into perspective as the speck of flyshit that it is, and they'll move on to more substantive issues.

This is the difference between "us" and "them." This is the important part. This is the reason why we're NOT "just voting for the same people anyway" this time.

Somehow, against all conventional wisdom, Obama has managed to stay on the high road for an unbelievable amount of time in this race. Hillary tried to muck things up, and he kept his hands clean as best he could. Now McCain, himself a victim of shitty, despicable campaign tactics in 2000, has chosen to align himself with the worst ghouls of his party in doing the same thing. Obama and Biden have let him hang himself (with his lovely assistant, of course) without returning fire in the same braying-jackass fashion.

Re-read the description of "McCain Flakes" above. Then really think about all your favorite quasi-famous right-wing talking heads. If that was a real product, they'd be having fucking aneurysms right now on the air, and it'd be clogging up the discourse. Obama sees this kind of shit and continues talking about jobs, and tax cuts, and education, and Iraq. You know... the kind of stuff we're supposed to be paying attention to, instead of lipstick on pigs and teenage baby-mamas.

Jesus, even Karl Rove has said McCain's taken the low-road thing too far lately. That's like being told by Hitler that your concentration camp is going a little too well.

Of course, "Obama Waffles" does raise the dreadful spectre of the candidate flip-flop -- you know, when someone changes his position for political expediency. It's a terrible, dreadful maneuver, done only by people of low character. You know, like when John McCain got back in bed with the evangelical leaders he called "agents of intolerance," or when he turned his back on his own immigration legislation, or when he got in bed with the administration that smeared his adopted daughter in a scurrilous email campaign in 2000, or when he was for the Bush tax cuts after he was against them, or...

Oops, sorry. I forgot. It's Obama that "waffles," huh?